Thomas C. Harden
a Star Trek/Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea parody
first published in Stardate 3, March 1980
artwork by Don Harden

The surface of the planet was there as it had been for centuries. Dead, desolate, and except for one area, useless. It was in this area, Captain James Kirk materialized with a landing party of five security men. Kirk drew his weapon. "Phasers on stun, but do whatever is necessary. He must be stopped at all costs. I want two men at the Guardian’s entrance. The rest of you, fan out."

There was nothing to do but wait. The Enterprise sensors had swept the area for hours, but to no avail.

Kirk approached Assistant Security Chief Simms. "Not a sign?" he asked.

Simms shook his head. "Maybe we missed him, sir."

"That’s not possible. Not even he can move that fast." Kirk thought it over for a moment. "I’ll ask the Guardian."

The ancient device sensed his approach. "May I assist you?" it reverberated.

"Guardian, has a man passed through your time portal within the past four hours?"

"No one has used my services within your specified time period."

Simms was stunned when he saw him suddenly racing for the Guardian. "Captain!" he called.

Kirk caught him in the corner of his eye and dove for him. Kirk crashed into him just as the man reached the portal, and they tumbled into the portal.

"Captain!" yelled Simms after Kirk vanished with the other man.

The experience was unique. When traveling through the Guardian, a man feels a part of the universe as a whole. And yet, alone. Kirk felt himself falling. A floor and a desk became visible. Kirk knew it would happen, but could not prevent it. His head slammed on the desk, and he quickly lost consciousness.

*****

"He what?!" exclaimed McCoy on the bridge.

Chief Simms answered sadly. "He fell through the Guardian."

"With him?" Simms I answer was a nod. Scotty shook his head sadly as Spock climbed into the center seat. McCoy looked at the noor.

"Mister Simms," the Vulcan said. "Return to the planet. The captain may return and require our assistance. I will beam down with you. Doctor? Mister Scott? Your presence may also be required."

"D’ye think he’ll make it?" asked Scotty.

"At present we can only wait, Engineer."

*****

Kirk groaned as he reached consciousness. He steadied himself using a desk for leverage, as he got up. His phaser was nowhere to be found, but his communicator was still intact. He opened it with doubt.

"Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise." He turned a little knob. "Enterprise, come in. Enterprise."

He stopped as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching. He closed his communicator and flattened himself against a wall beside the door. He tucked his communicator away as the footsteps faded away.

Seeing that he was in some sort of office, he assumed that the door led out, but as he touched the knob, he heard more footsteps. These were closer. Kirk ducked into an adjacent washroom, and closed the door, leaving a slight crack to see out.

The door opened, and an aging man entered and closed the door. He had reddish hair and wore a khaki uniform with four stars on the collar. He recognized the uniform as being that of a late twentieth century naval officer. The man disappeared from view.

Kirk strained, but could not see the man. Suddenly, the door swung open, and there stood the man, holding a gun.

"Put...put your hands up and come out."

Kirk did so without argument. The man stepped back and sat on the corner of the desk. Reading the nameplate there, Kirk said, "You must be Admiral Nelson."

"Very good," said the man sarcastically. "Now, let’s see if we can come up with who you are, and why you were hiding in my bathroom."

"I’m looking for someone."

"I’m sure."

"He’s sort of old; his hair is getting grey and thinning out. His clothes look like something ...out of a...history book." Kirk noticed his own uniform was being scrutinized. "And he has a rich...Southern accent."

"I can assure you, there’s no such character aboard this ship."

"Ship?"

"One thing at a time, now. Where did you get this garb?"

Kirk looked at his own clothing and shrugged.

"And does this...uh....person of yours...does he have a name?"

"His name is..."

Suddenly, he was there. The admiral jumped up and turned the gun on the new arrival.

"Pem!" he exclaimed.

The man gave him abroad grin. "Hello, Admiral."

"But..." uttered the bewildered admiral.

"I see you gentlemen haven’t been properly introduced. Admiral, this is Captain James Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise, a starship in the future. Captain, this is Admiral Harriman Nelson of the S.S.R.N. Seaview, a submarine from the past."

Kirk had just thought to lower his arms. "So you do know him."

"Yes, but he’s not supposed to be here. In fact," he turned to Pem. "You’re supposed to be dead."

"How did I survive? That is an interesting question, isn’t it? Well, Admiral, when Chief Sharkey threw me up against the reactor, I was killed. Although the thought didn’t occur to you, when you returned the Seaview to the present from the eighteenth century, you saved my life. For that, I am grateful."

"Now how did I do that?"

"Save me?" he asked, giving his comical whine. "Don’t you see? I was alive in the present time. The mere fact that I was killed in the past had nothing to do with it. Since time was not changed, my mother and father were born as they should have been...met, and married, as they should have...and begat me as they should have."

"So?"

"So, I was given a second chance. And this time, I don’t need you, Admiral, so you’d better watch yourself."

"What about him?" Nelson motioned toward Kirk.

"He comes from a different future, much different from this time frame. Much better than this one. But just as complicated."

"Just a minute...You’re telling me that...that this man is from another dimension?"

"‘Yes, Harry. I was tempted to stay there, but I wouldn’t have fit in."

"So you came back. For what reason?"

The door opened, and a tall, slim man entered. "No!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, Captain Crane. I am back."

"Lee," said the admiral. "Please come in and shut the door."

"What is this all about?"

"Well, with Pem, what would you think?"

"Another plot to take over the world."

"With weapons he stole from my ship!" Kirk interjected.

"Temper, temper," warned Pem as he pulled out his time piece. "You know what I can do with this." Since he had it out, Pem checked the time. "Oops. You must excuse me, gentlemen. I have other duties to attend to. I shall return shortly." He pressed a button on his pocket watch and vanished.

"Lee, this is Captain Kirk from the future. Captain, this is Lee Crane, the captain of the Seaview," said Nelson.

"I take it," said Kirk. "That the two of you know Pem."

"We’ve had dealings with that maniac before," said Crane.

"Pem may be back in a few minutes," said Nelson. We have to have a plan to get that watch away from him." He looked at Kirk and shook his head at the colorful uniform. "And we’re going to have to get you into something more suitable for our time."

"What do you mean?"

"We can’t let you run around in such an outlandish outfit. Besides, we have all our guests do it."

"Oh," said Kirk, befuddled by the admiral’s remarks.

*****

"Well?" said McCoy.

Spock looked away from the time portal to the doctor. "They entered the Guardian at a time period of an unknown, but similar universe. Even though I could make an approximation of the time they entered, a slight miscalculation could put me years out of the proper trajectory."

"Mister Spock," Scotty interrupted. "According to the guards, the Guardian wasna even operatin’ when they jumped through."

"Perhaps there is some sort of spatial loophole ...Yes, a loophole."

*****

Nelson, Kirk and Crane were heading toward Seaview’s control room. Kirk was wearing a khaki uniform, posing as a U.S. Naval officer touring the submarine. He didn’t understand the reason for the deception, but since Nelson and Crane both thought it was essential, he decided to go along with it.

Kirk refused many confused stares from the control room crew as the three went to the observation nose and closed themselves off from the noise of the many control panels by Nelson’s activation of the thick, sliding doors.

Chief Sharkey, who was standing in front of the transparent world map, took off his ear phones and carried his clipboard to the man at the sonar watch.

"Hey, ‘Ski," he said handing the clipboard to the man. "This guy, Kirk. His name isn’t on the boarding roster."

Kowalski took the clipboard and scanned it. "There must be some sort of mistake. Maybe his name was just left off by accident."

"Who drew this thing up?"

"Same as usual, Pat did."

"Patterson did this?" asked the chief.

Kowalski answered with a nod.

"He wouldn’t leave off the name of a visiting guest. He’s not stupid."

"Maybe it was some last minute deal and there wasn’t time to notify him."

"Yeah, I guess so. But, I’ll tell you one thing. That guy sure looks outta place."

*****

"You can’t do that," argued Crane.

"He wouldn’t let you get that close," added Kirk.

Nelson rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, unless you gentlemen have any other suggestions." He received no response to his challenge. "That’s what I thought. Then that’s what we’ll do."

The three of them suddenly found themselves back in Nelson’s quarters. Pem was waiting for them, seated at the admiral’s desk. "I hope I didn’t interrupt anything," he said with a broad grin.

"Not at all," said Nelson as he approached Pem. Kirk and Crane grew tense. The admiral was about to make his move.

"All of your questions will be answered...in time," Pem said smiling. He stood and walked to the door, interrupting Nelson’s strategy. "But first, I want you to meet someone. Gentlemen, my partner."

Pem opened the door, and a man wearing a crown entered at the sound of trumpets wearing a red cape.

"This was idea," said Pem as he rolled his eyes upward.

Kirk recognized the newcomer instantly. "Trelane!"

The trumpets stopped, and the crown and cape vanished. He was wearing a suit similar to Pem’s. "Ah, Captain Kirk! Have you forgotten my title?"

"No, it’s General."

"Squire!" Trelane said eagerly. "But now it’s general again, so you may call me ‘General’." He gestured all around. "You see, I have a world to conquer." He looked over at Pem. "Uh, we have a world to conquer. The history books, Captain! Think of it! They’ll read General Trelane led the final assault on Earth and brought it to defeat."

"What sort of insane plan is this, Trelane? What would your parents say about this?" asked Kirk.

Trelane slapped Kirk’s face, and the captain glared at him with murder in his eyes. "My parents!" Trelane shouted. "If you must know, I’m doing this with their blessings."

"I can’t believe that, Trelane," said Kirk, suspecting a lie.

"Well, it’s true. Now that I’m all grown up, I can make decisions and do anything I like."

"You’re as big of a baby as the last time I saw you."

"That is your opinion. It does not happen to be anyone else’s. Ah, you must be Admiral Nelson."

"And you must be as mad as Pem is."

"I pronounce you my first prisoner of war." Trelane turned to Pem. "This is so fulfilling!" Pem forced a smile as Trelane said, "We need our guards, partner."

Pem pulled out his watch, and two humanoids appeared.

"Klingons!" cried Kirk. "Trelane...do you know what you’ve done?!"

"Yes, at this very moment, my soldiers are fighting for control of this ship!"

"You’re changing history! The history of an entire galaxy!"

"This stupid little planet is in a different dimensional plane from my home. It couldn’t possibly affect me."

"You don’t know that!" Kirk argued.

"Yes, I do! Besides, what does it matter to you?" asked Trelane.

"My people’s major law of non-interference in other cultures—"

"Is not applicable here. Besides, I don’t want to hear it, and I haven’t the time. My partner and I have some ‘generaling’ to do."

Pem opened the door, and Trelane exited to another trumpet fanfare. Pem shrugged and then grinned at the prisoners as the two Klingon guards took their positions on opposite sides of the doors. "See you later, Harry," he said as he left.

"Who was that?" asked Crane.

"An advanced being of some sort I ran into on one occasion," explained Kirk.

"What was that about his parents?" asked Nelson.

"Trelane is merely the naughty child of two balls of energy. Their race do not have physical bodies as you, and I do."

"How powerful are they?"

"Trelane is powerful enough to build a planet on his own."

"Good God!" whispered Crane.

"Not quite," corrected Kirk.

"And if his parents are behind him?" queried Nelson.

"They’re not. At least, I don’t think so. In my brief enconnter with them, I found them to be intelligent... wise... compassionate...respectable."

"Even so," started the admiral. "This little escapade must stop here. We can’t let them take Seaview."

"That’s right," said Crane. "If we lose here, then the world is doomed."

"And how do we prevent that?" asked Kirk.

"We have to blow up the Seaview," said Nelson. "It’ll all end here, at sea."

"My timeline may still be changed. We don’t know how closely related our dimensions are."

"That’s a chance we’ll just have to take."

Nelson stepped over to his desk and opened the big bottom drawer, pulled out and object and placed it on the desk. The Klingon guards grew uneasy and went for their weapons. They paused and gazed at the object. It was a black box with a horn-shaped protrusion on the top angling forward. The Klingons looked at each other and broke into laughter.

"It looks like a shoebox with a bicycle horn on it!" one of them blurted out.

Nelson pointed the horn at them and turned a knob located on the back of the box. The Klingons fell to the floor, unaware of what hit them.

"They’re out cold!" exclaimed Crane.

"What the hell is that?" asked Kirk, indicating the box.

"I don’t really know, but it always seems to work," muttered Nelson.

Crane cautiously opened the door to a crack and checked the corridor. "All clear," he said.

*****

"I believe I have the right setting," said Spock as he adjusted his tricorder while looking toward the Guardian.

"And if you don’t?" asked McCoy.

"You could land anywhere!" interjected Scott.

"We have discussed that possibility. Now, if you will excuse me," Spock said as he positioned himself at the Guardian’s entrance. He looked at his tricorder readings one more time, and jumped into the Guardian.

"Well," said Scott. "There he goes."

"Yep," McCoy said. "There he goes."

Without waIning, Spock found himself landing on the ground on the otherside of the Guardian; tumbling in the soft sand. McCoy and Scott ran to help him up.

"It appears that I seem to have miscalculated," said Spock, raising an eyebrow higher than ever before.

*****

Kirk, Nelson and Crane were making their way to the Reactor Room. A group of Klingons were pursuing and quickly gaining on them.

"What do we do when we reach the reactor room?" asked Kirk.

"We have to pullout the dampening rods," said Crane.

They ran into two Klingons who were quickly downed by Nelson’s box. "That Klingon was right," said Kirk. "It does look like a shoebox with a bicycle horn on top."

*****

"Yes," Spock thought aloud. He turned to McCoy. "I believe I have calculated the precise moment to jump."

"Good, then I’m going with you."

"Have ye both gone daft?" exclaimed Scotty. "We’re nae even sure thot he can get back!"

"On the contrary, Mister Scott," said Spock. "It will return us. I merely stated that there was always the possibility of failure."

"Well, then, let’s go!"

"Doctor, I hope you used the plural mistakenly," commented Spock.

"But just a second ago, you said ‘us’," McCoy defended.

"I was referring to the captain and myself."

*****

Nelson tried to ignore the remark, and they continued into the next corridor.

There, they found a cluster of bodies. None were Klingons.

"Chip!!" cried Crane as he rolled a corpse onto its back. "Never mind that, Lee. We have to keep moving."

*****

Nelson cranked open the Reactor Room door, and the three of them entered.

They went to the front of the reactor controls. The reactor consisted of two cubes. The larger one served as a base for the smaller one which had a translucent panel through which piping was visible.

Kirk pointed to the window. "What’s in there?"

"The...em...plumbing ," said Nelson, slightly embarrassed.

"Oh," said Kirk, not knowing what to say.

Nelson ignored Kirk’s puzzlement. "Now all we have to do is pullout these dampening rods. The reactor will grow critical and Seaview will blow itself to bits."

Nelson set his box down on the floor, and he and Crane began pulling out the dampening rods as Kirk, after watching for a second, joined in.

"Shouldn’t we be wearing some sort of protective clothing’?" asked Kirk.

"We really don’t know whether or not we need them," responded Nelson. "Besides, if our plan works, it really won’t matter; we’ll be blown to bits."

The reactor started to hum louder and louder. Suddenly, the Seaview plunged into turmoil, violently rocking back and forth. Sparks began to fill the room, and the sounds of explosions deafened the three man.

*****

Spock and McCoy vanished into the Guardian as Scott looked to Simms and shook his head.

*****

The Seaview was now still. Kirk, Crane and the admiral struggled to their feet.

"What happened?" asked Kirk.

"That," said Nelson as he pointed to Pern and Trelane who were standing by the reactor. The rods were pushed in.

Pem whined, "Really, Admiral. I knew you’d try something like this."

"What are you going to do now?"

"Now we will attack Washington B. C.," announced Trelane.

"D. C.," corrected Pem.

"What?"

"D.C., Washington, D.C."

"It doesn’t matter."

"Besides, we’re not ready for that."

"Yes, we are."

"No, we’re not."

"Well, this isn’t fun any more. Besides, I’m the general."

"We’re partners, remember?"

"But, I’m the general, partner."

Pem grinned. "Well, here’s to you, General." He pushed a button on his timepiece, and Trelane vanished.

Pem’s asthmatic whine was cut short by Trelane’ s reappearance. His face turned white when he saw that the former squire was holding the pocket watch. Pem looked to his empty hand in disbelief as Trelane pressed the button.

Pem was gone, but McCoy and Spock suddenly appeared.

"What now’?" asked Nelson.

"Now," said. Trelane, his face aglow with excitement. "It’s time for a new game. Just me and Pem can play! You should remember it, Captain!" he said to Kirk. "It’s called a Royal Hunt! Too-da-loo!"

Trelane vanished.

"Bones, Spock! How did you—" Kirk was interrupted by the intercom.

"Admiral!" the voice called. "Admiral, can you read me?!"

Nelson picked up a nearby mike. "Go ahead."

"This is Sharkey."

"Yes, Chief. What is it?"

"Well, sir. Me and Kowalski, well, we were talking to Pat in the circuitry room when all of a sudden the ship starts shaking around. Well, we were just gettin’ up when these two hairy goons jumped us. We were really goin’ te clobber ‘em, but, and you’re not goin’ te believe this, sir, but...all of a sudden, they just disappeared!"

"I think that perhaps I can," said Nelson, looking to his three guests.

"Are ye sure? I thought maybe we went bananas."

"Admiral, this is the exec. Can I cut in?"

"Chip! Sure, go ahead!"

"I saw a bunch of those apes myself, and I’d swear, sir, that one of them killed me."

"I’ll get back to you on that. I have something to take care of now. Out."

Spock’s curiosity had led him around the room. McCoy, holding the admiral’s box, approached Nelson, Crane and Kirk.

"What’s this? A shoe box and a bicycle horn?"

McCoy’s grin faded as Nelson snatched the box away from the doctor and gave him the ‘evil eye’.

*****

Nelson and Crane were in the observation nose as Kirk, Speck and McCoy prepared to return to their own time.

"Well, Admiral," said Kirk as he shook Nelson’s hand. "I hope I never see you again."

Nelson chUckled. "The feeling’s mutual. I hope you can make it back."

"Not as much as I do."

"Good luck."

"Mister Spock, let’s get out of this place."

Spock adjusted his tricorder, and the three of them vanished. "Well, Lee," said Nelson as he turned to Crane. "That’s how the pickle squirts."

*****

Kirk, Spock and McCoy were greeted by Scott and Simms at the Guardian’s entrance.

"It’s good to have ye back!"

"It’s good to be back, Scotty," admitted Kirk.

Spock approached Kirk. "Captain, I had the chance to observe Admiral Nelson’s device before returning. It appeared to be merely a shoebox with a bicycle horn atop it."

"It’s a good thing you didn’t say that in front of him," said Kirk.

"Yeah," said McCoy. "He’s pretty touchy about that."

"I fail to understand why. I took the opportunity to observe the inner mechanisms. My findings were quite startling, to say the least."

"I’ll bet," said McCoy.

"What did you find?" inquired Kirk, as he removed his communicator. "A worn-out pair of sneakers with a most nauseating odor."

"Kirk to Enterprise. Bring us home."

This Star Trek/Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea crossover was not intended to infringe upon any Star Trek copyrights (see our disclaimer page), nor the Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea copyrights held by ABC-TV, Irwin Allen nor upon those held by 20th Century Fox.

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